Excerpt from “Raising A Resilient Family: How to Create Strong Connection and Communication in a Deeply Distracted World”
When I was raising my children in a small rural town, I was heavily influenced by my friends who were ahead of me in the process. One of my closest friends at that time often talked about how important it was for her family to stay close over the course of their lives. Coming from a broken family myself, I agreed that this could have a powerful impact on their lives as well. The best part about coming from a failed family system is that you learn what not to do. As I reflected on why this did not happen in my own family, I became more determined to change the pattern in my own children’s relationships with each other.
I made this a later chapter because it is about synthesizing, combining information from multiple sources to create a whole, to take parts of ideas to make something new. My hope is that you will take parts of this book, the parts that speak to you, and make the relationships in your family stronger somehow. How does this process take place in sibling relationships? It requires clarity around uniqueness (like passions) while also looking at how to integrate those distinct differences (interdependence). It also requires all the key elements I have written about in earlier chapters.
Preventing Sibling Rivalry
Most parents see sibling rivalry emerging almost immediately after a new child enters the home. How do we change the direction of this seemingly natural inclination? Think about the term “symbiotic” in relation to siblings, which can mean a mutually beneficial relationship between different people living in close physical contact. This term is often used to describe the initial relationship between a nursing mother and her newborn, for example. This balance in benefits is what keeps a relationship healthy and happy.
How do we, as parents, prevent difficult situations that can emerge between siblings? Your first goal is to look at the unique parts of each of your children, the aspects that are different, and nurture these characteristics with various experiences that align with their natural propensities. Embrace their exceptional tendencies or talents and support their differences. Older siblings that possess similar areas of competence can be encouraged to share their knowledge. Receiving praise from a very early age for this effort from parents is vital.
Creating equality, as much as you can, around time and individual attention with each child is also essential. Avoid comparing one child’s talents or qualities to another, as it can create divisiveness between siblings. Instead, emphasize uniqueness while reinforcing the need to share, serve, and help others. Point out the connections between a particular talent and how it can be used in the world as a resource for others. Avoid valuing external rewards and focus on internal measures of quality.
Managing Conflict and Building Emotional Connection
When managing emerging conflict as siblings grow up, try to let your children fight their own battles, especially as they mature into young adults. Encourage direct conversations between siblings to resolve conflicts quickly. Lingering conflicts cause major gaps in relationships, while directly dealing with an issue allows for growth and continued closeness and trust.
Creating a safe haven between siblings involves allowing strong emotions, both negative and positive. Make sure your children know they can ask for help from you and from each other. Model vulnerability and courage around difficult experiences to foster an authentic emotional world within your family. Discuss your family’s values regularly and emphasize character traits like honesty, integrity, and serving a deeper sense of meaning and purpose. Avoid focusing on superficial motivators that undermine long-term self-esteem.
Conclusion
By synthesizing the unique qualities of each child, preventing sibling rivalry, managing conflict, and building emotional connection, you can create strong and resilient sibling relationships within your family. Remember that as parents, you have a significant role in supporting and nurturing these relationships. Empower your children to grow individually while cultivating an environment of mutual affinity, trust, and overall support.
About the Author
Susan P. Horton is a practicing and licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with experience as the former Director of a therapeutic boarding school for struggling teens. She is the author of the bestselling book, “Raising a Resilient Family: How to Create Strong Connection and Communication in a Deeply Distracted World.” You can find her book on Amazon.com and Audible. For more information, visit her website at www.raisingaresilientfamily.com or contact her via email at sphorton915@gmail.com.
